Remus Lupin: Master of the Robot
by Robotmaster
Summary: Random comedy documenting the marauder's adventures during James' bachelor party


**Remus Lupin – Master of the Robot**

Harry was wandering the halls of 12 Grimmauld Place, wondering how he was going to pass yet another boring day alone in the ancient house, when he heard loud talking coming from down the corridor, relieved of any company he could get, he went to investigate.

"...... So he leapt though the fire, over Prongs and straight on to the elephant" Remus Lupin exclaimed to raucous laughter from Fred and George Weasley and utter confusion from Harry.

"Harry!" Remus exclaimed, noticing his young friend had entered the room, while the twins continued to laugh hysterically in the corner. "Come and join us, I'm just regaling young Fred and George here with the tale of your father's bachelor party"

Harry immediately sat down, his interest piqued, which probably wasn't a good idea as there wasn't a chair where he was standing. But he quickly got up and at went over to the sofa, trying (and failing) to come out of the incident with his cool still intact. As he sat down, Remus once again began speaking.

"OK where was I? Oh yeah, the Russian gymnasts, well anyway, after that we went back in to the three broomsticks...."

* * *

The four marauders sat back down at their table.

"Well mate, I don't know how you did it, but you won fair and square" Sirius said, handing over ten galleons to a rather smug looking Peter while an astonished looking Remus and James sat in disbelief.

"It's all in the footwork Padfoot." Wormtail replied, a grin still playing upon his face.

At that moment, Madame Rosmerta came over to the table handing the four men a shot of firewhiskey each, which were immediately downed before Remus spoke up.

"Here's one for ya, why did the mushroom go to the party?" The young werewolf asked, but was greeted with groans from the other three.

"Have I told you that one before?" Remus asked, confused.

"You tell it every time you have a drop of alcohol" Prongs replied.

"And it wasn't even that funny the first time" Sirius added.

"How dare you?!?" Remus exclaimed, indignant at the other's lack of humour. "That joke is a master class of comedy."

"Mate, it's a one liner with a pun as the punch line" James said.

"I refuse to sit here with Neanderthals who wouldn't know a good joke if it asked them out for tea and sandwiches, good day to you sirs!" Remus exclaimed dramatically, but not actually moving out of his seat.

"Well if Moony has finished his little speech, why don't we go over to the dance floor" Sirius remarked, spotting a particularly good looking woman dancing nearby.

"Because we are all drunk and don't want to humiliate ourselves in front of our friends" Remus replied, leaning back in his chair defiantly.

"Just because you can't dance" Sirius countered.

"Erm; I think that you will find, my dog-like friend, that _I_ am the greatest dancer who has ever lived" Remus shot back without any hint of jest.

"Ten galleons say that you won't even dare go on to the floor" Sirius challenged, slamming his money onto the table.

"You're on" Remus countered, once more matching Padfoot's money and striding towards the dancers, stumbling only slightly on the way. He reached the middle of the floor just as a fast pace song came on over the sound system and launched in to a surprising, but undeniably impressive version of the Robot to the disbelief of the on looking marauders. In fact it was so good that within moments a circle of cheering party-goers had formed around him clapping him on. As Remus flawlessly pulled off 'the rope', he sobered up enough to realise the ridiculousness of the situation as he was cheered on by, among many others, the trolley lady from the Hogwarts express and Albus Dumbledore, who inexplicably appeared to be wearing a pirates hat and an eye patch, 'the most brilliant wizard of his generation, but he never could take his beer' Remus mused. As the song finished, Remus was cheered back to his seat by the lively pub, where he casually swept his money off the table and sat down.

"What the bloody hell was that?" James eventually managed to blurt out.

"That Prongsy is called 'The Robot', and you have just witnessed the master of it" Remus responded.

"But how can you do that?" Peter chipped in.

"I've been doing it for years now; I even won the world championship in Paris a few years ago. I must have told you this before" Remus said nonchalantly.

"I think that's something we'd remember Moony, particularly as we've seen you dance at Hogwarts balls before" Sirius replied incredulously.

"Well, I don't like to show off" Remus said simply.

The drunken banter continued for a few more minutes until Remus noticed a picture on the far wall of the pub. "Look at that" he remarked nostalgically. "The beautiful Belgian countryside" he added turning the attention of his friends towards the picture.

"How the hell could you possibly know that that's Belgium?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"I think I recognise my own kingdom, Padfoot" was Remus' surprising reply.

"Nope, that definitely doesn't make any sense" James said after pondering on the sentence for a few moments.

"Well I don't like to talk about it really, but your good friend Remus Arcturus Lupin..." Remus started.

"Your middle name isn't Arcturus, Moony" James interrupted.

"...is the rightful heir to the kingdom of Belgium" Remus finished and was met by the disbelieving stares of his three good friends.

"How can you possibly be the rightful King of Belgium?" Peter finally broke the silence.

"According to my mother, our family was usurped of the crown around a hundred years ago by a band of rogue noblemen who took over our nation" Remus replied.

"That's ridiculous Remus, you are not the rightful king of Belgium" James interjected.

"Am so" Remus answered sounding incredibly childish

"I'm afraid you're going to have to prove it mate" Sirius chipped in.

"Very well" Remus declared, leaping to his feet dramatically. "We shall apparate to Belgium and reclaim what is rightfully mine" he stated defiantly.

"Yeah" Sirius and James yelled caught up in the moment.

"OK, on the count of three we use the picture to apparate" Sirius said.

"1...2...**3**"

With that they apparated away, leaving a room full of stunned party guests, wondering where the groom to be was leaving his own party to go to at half two in the morning.

******************

The foursome appeared, not altogether smoothly, in the small village from the painting. Remus got back up to his feet and brushed himself off, noticing the others doing the same thing, except for Peter who looked distinctly worse for wear. "Are you OK mate?" he called out to his friend who answered by wobbling slightly before fainting in to the awaiting arms of Sirius Black.

"Well he deserves some rest after the night he's had" James remarked to the agreement of the other two. "I've never seen such a creative use of the tickling charm in all my life" he added, thinking back.

"Well, I suppose one of us is going to have to carry him" Sirius said.

"If only we had a large deer-like animal that he could ride on" he hinted looking at James.

"Great idea mate, _Vicis alces"_ James replied turning his wand towards Sirius and casting the transfiguration spell. However, despite his usually excellent aptitude for transfiguration, they were all quite drunk at this stage and he only succeeded in transforming Sirius' head in to that of a moose instead of his whole body.

"Ah" James exclaimed looking at a very confused and indignant looking moose-headed Sirius. "Never mind, what's the counter spell Remus?" He asked confident in his friend's knowledge.

"Funnily enough my magical knowledge doesn't extend to all moose related spells and charms" Remus countered. "I must have fallen asleep during that class."

"Well you really should have told me that before I cast the spell" James commented.

"Yes you're quite right, how could I not have thought to run that past you, I mean it's not like I couldn't have predicted you were about to turn Padfoot's head in to that of a moose" Remus said sarcastically.

"Well exactly, apology accepted" James replied.

Remus was about to respond when a strange grunting sound interrupted him and he turned to see a moose-headed Sirius looking, if at all possible for a moose, very annoyed about the whole situation. "Well we might as well carry on with our noble quest while we figure out what to do with Padfoot. I suppose we'll have to levitate Wormtail and try to stay away from muggles for the time being" Remus suggested.

"Good idea mate" James acknowledged and started to walk down the road before realising he had no idea where they were going. "Maybe you should lead the way, your majesty" James said bowing exaggeratedly towards Remus, who started walking down the deserted country lane followed by James, the moose-headed Sirius and a still unconscious Peter levitating behind. They continued walking through the idyllic surroundings of the Belgian countryside for about half an hour until it started to become more and more built up and Remus announced that they had arrived at the outskirts of Brussels, near to his rightful home, The Royal castle of Laken. Here they stopped, not wanting any muggles to see the floating Peter, and contemplated what to do with him.

"We could sell him to a travelling circus as a trapeze artist" James suggested.

"Good idea" Remus replied contemplating the suggestion. "But where would we find a travelling circus at three in the morning on the outskirts of Brussels?"

"Why don't we put a weightless spell on him and then take it in turns to carry him" Remus finally said. James agreed and they had just finished placing the spell on him when a loud grunt attracted their attention. They turned to find Sirius on his knees writing something on to the pavement using a stone, curious they wandered over towards him and read the message.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that" Remus said sheepishly and directing his wand at Sirius. "_Finite incantatum_" he spoke, finally turning him back in to his normal, though angry looking, self.

"What the hell was that about" Sirius shouted at James. "You're a bloody stag, why did you need to turn _me_ in to a moose?" he finished looking towards his friend for an answer.

"Oh yeah" James said, realisation dawning on him "I completely forgot about that" he chuckled to himself.

"How could you forget after the constant 'stag party' jokes I've been making all week" Sirius asked incredulously, James simply shrugged.

"Sorry mate" he said.

Meanwhile, Remus surveyed his surroundings.

"I think if we follow this road over here for a few miles, it should take us near to the castle" he said, turning around to find himself completely alone and talking to himself. He sighed 'why does this always happen when we go out,' he thought. Remus walked around the first corner to find Sirius outside a nearby bar with the still unconscious Peter talking to a very attractive young woman.

"So I pulled him out of the building just before it collapsed and he fainted from the stress of it all" he said to the impressed looking woman who somehow never questioned him bringing his unconscious rescue victim to a bar. "I don't think I'm especially brave really, I just did what any nearby astronaut on leave would have done in the circumstances" he added 'modestly' before he was literally dragged away by an annoyed Remus.

"Can't you control yourself for one day?" Remus exclaimed exasperatedly. "Now where's Prongs?" he asked.

"How am I supposed to know? I thought he was still with you" Sirius replied.

"So we have lost our best friend in the middle of Belgium with no idea where he is or where he's going" Remus said.

"Sounds about right" Sirius responded.

"Do you want some ice cream," he added pulling out two ice creams from behind his back that he had apparently been holding this whole time.

"How...where....when..." Remus stammered.

"Belgian ice cream's my favourite" Sirius said in explanation.

"Yeah, why is about the only question I didn't ask Padfoot, but never mind" Remus said taking the ice cream and deciding to let it go.

"We might as well carry on towards the castle, Prongsy will find us eventually, he always does" Sirius said. Remus agreed and they carried on walking down the road towards their destination, again taking it in turns to carry the magically lightened Peter. "Are we nearly there yet?" Sirius complained to Remus after about fifteen more minutes of walking through Brussels, getting closer and closer towards the centre of the city.

"Not much further to go now Padfoot, I think it's only about a few mi..... Oh for God's sake!" Remus exclaimed as he turned to find Sirius once again missing, leaving him alone with Peter. He then heard a commotion from nearby and wearily followed the sound, he rounded the corner to find Sirius inexplicably being arrested by the local police and put in to a police car protesting his innocence, 'not again' Remus thought to himself. He could only watch on helplessly as the police car started to slowly pull away, until the back door somehow opened and Sirius rolled out of it and started running towards him.

"LEG IT" He yelled as he tore past Remus at full speed, with the police car turning around. Remus followed suit, before realising they had left Peter and quickly coming back to pick him up before once again running away. They had just gone round the first corner when they ran past a very surprised James Potter who, noticing Sirius' handcuffs quickly caught on and followed them, weaving through the side streets before coming to a halt five minutes later when they were sure that they had gotten away. They each paused for a few moments to catch their breath before Sirius finally spoke up. "So....." he said looking at James. "What's with the monkey?" he added noticing that since they had last seen him, their friend had somehow acquired a small yet very real monkey which was now sitting on his shoulder.

"Well, I was walking past a zoo when I spotted little Prongs Jr. here looking really sad sitting all on his own in his cage, so I decided to liberate him" James replied as if it was the most regular thing in the world.

"OK cool" Sirius said accepting the explanation unquestioningly whilst Remus blasted the handcuffs of him.

"Well I suppose, seeing as we are already wanted by the police, we may as well get a cute little monkey out of it" Remus reasoned. "And at least you didn't attempt 'a wormtail'".

"I thought about it, but I didn't know where I couldn't think of anywhere that I could find enough chopsticks" James responded, to the agreement of the others. "Anyway, how far away are we now Moony?"

Well luckily, because of all the unplanned running, we have arrived at our destination" he added pointing to a large palace right next to them that was previously unnoticed by the other two.

"Doesn't look much like a castle" James pointed out.

"Well, it's just a name; it probably used to be a castle when it was first built" Remus offered in explanation.

"It's well guarded" Sirius said. "It will take a fiendish and brilliant plan to break in to such a place; luckily I have such a plan" he added leaning in to whisper his plan to the two conscious members of the group.

"Sirius, you're just whispering the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody" James said exasperated. "But I do have a plan, so listen up" he added before leaning in to tell it to his friends.

For the first part of the plan they went through a manhole cover underground in to the nearby sewers, and magically cut the phone lines to the palace, ensuring that they would have time to explain their presence to the king before being arrested and tried for treason along with their numerous other crimes. Next Sirius went over to the guard covering the section of the wall they needed to get over and distracted him first by telling dirty jokes and then, when he realised that the guard didn't speak English a couple of minutes later, by doing his award winning mime act. During this time, Remus and James used the distraction to throw their magically conjured rope over the wall and climb up on top of it before levitating Peter up on to it with them. When they gave him the thumbs up Sirius walked away from the guard, before a well timed whizzbang went off nearby, which the guard ran over to, to quickly investigate giving Sirius himself just enough time to climb on top of the wall. With everyone in position Remus reached in to his cloak and pulled out a live cat which he levitated down on to the courtyard. The movement of the cat, as expected, caught the attention of the security guard on the nearest camera to them which panned around to investigate, leaving a blind spot in the cameras for just enough time for the three to climb down the wall using the rope (levitating Peter afterwards) and rush across the courtyard to the door A quick _Alohamora_ later and they were in. James turned to the rest of the group, Prongs Jr. still on his shoulder "OK quick question. Why didn't we just apparated in?" A look of realisation dawned on the other two's faces as they realised how easy it could have been to get in.

"Oh well, we're in now, and my date with destiny awaits" Remus said. The gang headed down the corridor and started up the stairs, looking around the magnificent interior of the palace. "Look at that" Remus whispered suddenly, pointing at the far wall, "that blurred painting looks almost exactly like me".

"That's because it is you mate, you're pointing at a mirror" Sirius gently pointed out. They carried on their marauding ( ) down the vast corridor when they heard a toilet flush and a very regal looking man walked out of a nearby room. The man quickly spotted them and, looking alarmed, started to hurry back towards his bedroom, the three ran to intercept him and managed to block him off just before he re-entered the room. "I'm sorry to scare you your majesty" Remus apologised.

"Err, Remus" James tried to interrupt.

"But we aren't here to hurt you....." Remus continued

"Moony, I don't think....." Sirius tried this time.

".....We just want to talk about....." Remus carried on

"REMUS!" Both James and Sirius shouted at him this time.

"What?" he replied, finally turning towards them.

"He clearly doesn't speak any English mate" James explained looking at the confused and scared looking man in front of them.

"Oh, I really hadn't counted on that" Remus sighed, trying to think of something. "Parla italiano?" he tried, looking at the still confused man.

"Hablas español?" James had a go, but the King still did not speak a word.

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch" Sirius said, trying out German, finally the King understood and quickly rattled off several sentences in German to the relieved marauders.

"Brilliant, what's he saying Padfoot?" Remus asked his friend, patting him on the back.

"I don't know, that's the only German phrase I know" Sirius replied to the bewilderment of the other two.

Remus was getting desperate at this stage and in desperation said "Unazungumza kiSwahili?" The King looked surprised for a moment and then replied in fluent Swahili, prompting relief from Remus and total bafflement from the others (even Prongs Jr. looked a little surprised). Remus glanced at the other two "what?" he said noticing the looks on their faces, "I picked a bit of Swahili from my time trekking in the mountains of Tanzania" he offered in way of explanation.

The other marauders decided to let this one go considering what else had happened tonight. Remus and the King continued to converse in Swahili for a few more sentences until they both stopped, realisation dawning on them both at last, then Remus again spoke in English "Ah" he exclaimed looking very sheepish, still watching the indignant looking King "apparently, this isn't Belgium. It's Luxembourg" he explained. He tilted his head to one side thinking back to what his mother had said all those years ago "And thinking about it, maybe mum was just telling me that Uncle Frank went to Belgium on his honeymoon" he finally said, turning an even brighter shade of scarlet. Turning around, he saw that James was paying no attention to what was going on, but instead was laughing at Prongs Jr. who had started jumping up and down on the unconscious Peter and Sirius, rather predictably, was nowhere to be seen. At that moment, guards rushed in to the door, blocking the far exit and pulling James' attention away from the monkey, both James and Remus stood stock still and followed the guard's and the King's angry stares to find Sirius about to kiss the princess who had apparently come out of her room to investigate.

"Err, Padfoot" James said hesitantly. Sirius glanced round and, noticing his suddenly precarious situation, gulped visibly.

"Without wanting to repeat myself" he started, "LEG IT!" This acted as the cue for the other two to grab Prongs Jr. and Peter and run down the stairs as fast as they could.

"Ok" James said getting the other's attention whilst still running, "On three we apparated back to the city centre, 1...2...**3**"

* * *

*So, Sirius managed to seduce the princess of Luxembourg without even speaking the same language" Fred said in astonishment.

"Bloody brilliant" George added.

"Yep" Remus confirmed "I still don't know how he managed it with his trousers on his head" he added to the laughter of the other three.

"So what happened after that Moony?" Harry asked, looking at his former professor.

"Well, by the time we had convinced James that Prongs Jr. would be a lot happier in a zoo then under his bed, hidden from Lily, it was about 7 in the morning, so we apparated back to Hogsmeade. Wormtail woke up basically as soon as we got back and obviously he was treated like some sort of celebrity, so we went home got showered and dressed and we just had time to grab some breakfast and a coffee before going to work" Remus summed up.

"Well I've got to hand it to you Remus" George said, "no one parties harder than the marauders" he added to the agreement of the room.

"That, my young Mr Weasley, would be a physical impossibility" Remus responded, and the three young men turned to leave the room. "Hey" Remus said getting their attention, "why did the mushroom go to the party?" he asked "because he's a _**fun guy**_**" **he finished to the groans of the other three who left the room to the sound of Remus' hysterical laughter.


End file.
